Australian Music Festivals Look To Oprah As Drug Squad

SPA Confidential has learned today that a number of prominent Australian music festivals are looking to hire the world's most popular talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, for upcoming events, on the back of this morning's interview with disgraced “cyclist” Lance Armstrong.

“If we can get drug offenders to confess to possession the way that Lance did to Oprah this morning we could save so much hassle,” one festival representative told us this afternoon. “People are sick of waiting in line for extended periods of time for their chance to lie to officers about the gram of speed they've hidden in their underpants. All the while they're missing valuable time in the beer queues and silent discos that they came to experience.”

Another source said Winfrey was “better than a lie detector” and that she could “draw blood from a stoner”.

With police cracking down on recreational drug use at music festivals over the past couple of years, the landscape of these events has changed greatly. Some revellers have complained about feeling uneasy with such a large police presence at the entrance to said events, something that the Winfrey touch might help curb.

“Oprah has a considerate but firm touch,” said one festival director. “We'd like to have her deal with the smaller stuff and maybe get Gayle [King, Winfrey's best friend and confidant for many decades] over to really fuck up the guys who are carrying larger quantities.”

When asked if Winfrey would be used in any other capacities while out in the country for their event, organisers believed the opportunities were “endless”.

“Well we would get her on board as a kind of tour counsellor, that's for sure,” one source said. “There are a lot of repressed memories that some of our bands, particularly the heavy ones, ought to be dealing with but aren't. I think Oprah is just the person to get them performing at their best.”

Police did not comment on this story because we did not ask them to.