So You Think You Can EDM?

So you want to be a DJ but know nothing about dance music?

Excellent – you're well on your way to greatness. If you've ever been on a reality TV show or are famous for who you're related to, you're practically headliner status already.

Sadly, not all of us are blessed with the instant cred bestowed be celebrity, so you'll need to work a little to achieve your goals. Luckily for you I've spent years researching the local dance music scene, and am proud to finally present for you today my foolproof guide to becoming an EDM superstar in Australia.

GETTING STARTED

First, you'll need some music, so log-in to iTunes and buy the current Top 10 singles. These are your bread and butter tracks, the ones that other people who know fuck-all about dance music expect to hear whenever they go out. Snap up the Top 10 of 2012 as well – you never know when you'll be spinning for an older crowd.

Next, log-in to Beatport and buy their current Top 10. These are your underground bombs, and if you're really lucky you'll get an upfront remix of an iTunes Top 10 track – generally just an a cappella shoehorned into a completely unrelated piece of music – to blow a dancefloor's mind. Check the DJ charts as well, particularly what's on offer from any of DJ Mag's Top 10. These are the freshest tracks that no one's heard yet, and in no way a promotional tool for them, their labels, and their cronies.

You'll need some timeless classics as well, so grab Skrillex's Bangarang. Buy some Daft Punk, heads will cave when you dust one of those bad boys off. Buy some Disclosure and Julio Bashmore, purely to impress anyone who flips through your CD wallet. (It'll also piss off Hitler.)

Alternatively, follow the above steps, but then type the songs into the search engine of your favourite Torrent client instead of going through the iTunes/Beatport Checkout. Cutting corners and ripping off artists now will give you a good grounding if you ever make the move into promoting.

If you're really taking yourself seriously, only download mp3s with a bit-rate of 128k and above.

PRACTICE

By now you should have aropund 40 tracks in your collection, which means you're more than ready to start DJing.

Sign up for a three month course at Fitness First and start building up those biceps, abs and calves – no one ever got to a festival main stage without looking good in a loose-fitting singlet and short shorts.

While you're there, take some time in front of the full length mirrors to work on your Jesus Christ poses and heart hands. You'll be performing to open fields, often at least 30 metres away from the closest people on the dancefloor, so old-fashioned interaction like eye contact, knowing nods, and conversation is superfluous.

You'll want to familiarise yourself with your music, so create some Playlists on your portable media player – lists like Bombs, Bangers, EDM Bombs, and Vocal Bombs should get you started. Listen to these while you're working out, taking careful note of all the big choruses, then gradually start working tone deaf shouting of the words into combos with hands-in-the-air pointing and/or double-fist pumps. If you're able to choreograph some appropriate dance moves, all the better.

Finally, head to your local music gear retailer and learn how to work the sync button on their CDJs.

MARKETING YOURSELF

Writing a Bio may sound intimidating, but after years of research at the coal face I've identified the key phrases that will set you apart from the pack.

Always make note of “childhood piano/guitar/trumpet lessons” so promoters know that music is part of your genetic make-up.

Use the phrase “started DJing at the tender age of [insert age]” regardless of the age you started DJing, because all ages are tender and this implies that you've since hardened the fuck up.

Always note the influence of your parents' record collection – “[insert name here] was conceived to The Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up” for example, or “raised on a steady diet of his Mum's Travis records, [insert name here] had a penny drop moment when they first shelved their little brother's Ritalin”.

A list of acts you've supported is a good look, but hang on… you haven't even gigged yet. No matter – it's time to get creative. Remember that time you “expressed yourself” with Diplo at Stereo last year? A quick feed through the Bio Hyperbole Generator turns that factoid into “[insert name here] even shared the stage with Diplo at Stereosonic 2012”. Boom!

What does that six month stint behind the SUPRÉ counter in high school have to do with DJing? Umm, only everything. You'll need to sell a lot of 'industry tickets' if you want to move from opening act at the arse end of the festival grounds to a stage with an actual dancefloor, so retail experience is essential.

Also handy is an intimate knowledge of creating Facebook events, passive-aggressively posting them on all of your friends' walls (“hey mate, can't wait to see you at [insert gig here] on Friday night, we're due a beer lol!”), and generally using A LOT OF ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS IN THRICE-DAILY STATUS UPDATES OMG!!!1!!11!1!11!

Finally, get your photographer friend who just bought a DSLR to snap you in front of a plain brick wall. And for God's sake, make sure you've got headphones, a CDJ or a record box with you, just so people definitely know that you're a DJ.

GRADUATION

Congratulations! You're now ready to rock out on Australia's festival stages.

There are other potential pathways to success, such as developing your own clothing range or having other people anonymously produce club bangers under your name or coming up with a clever viral video concept, but these are perhaps best saved until your second summer on the festival circuit.

And if all of the above fails?

Just fuck somebody at the pointy end of the bill so they use their clout to get you booked for the rest of the tour.