Five Music Moments The Internet Had A Field Day With

WALMART FIGHT SONG 

In 64 seconds, this video tells you everything you need to know about the downfall of America. Our setting, Walmart, is a capitalist dystopia that takes no responsibility for the number of small businesses it’s destroyed, the guns it sells, or the minimum wage it offers. Our central character is a middle-aged white man with no self-awareness failing to rally his troops.

The staff range from mildly uninspired to completely depressed. At most, we see half-hearted claps and a few phones. At worst we see the lady in the light blue shirt make less movement than an allegedly progressive US government after a school shooting. We get the sense that this ritual has gone on for so long, she longs for the days when she felt offended and patronised instead of just “there”. The man to her right (our left) is perhaps the most excited, despite his inability to clap to the beat. 

The leader, meanwhile, desperately tries to sell the idea of hope. ‘If you get excited about selling polyester $2 flag shirts made by Bangladeshi children,’ his dance moves say, ‘then maybe we can turn this country - I mean Walmart - around!’ If your kink is watching empires crumble, this song is for you.

A DOCTOR SINGS SKATERBOI

Dr Krishan Chaudhry is an actual medical professional who posts medical information on his YouTube channel. He also posts karaoke covers. When I watch this video I ask: is Dr Krishan Chaudhry using music to help his medical business, or is he using medicine to support his music career? Maybe he’s content with both. 

The more I watch him, the less I know. And I think that’s why I like it. In a world where answers are a click away, Dr Krishan Chaudhry gives me a mystery I’ll never solve.

DON’T BE GAY FREESTYLE 

This song appears dumb at first but becomes more intriguing with every bar. At first, it seems like a ridiculous homophobic plea to the world - and it is. But as Mike Malone freestyles “don’t be gay” allegedly to an audience, the longer you watch the more you sense he is singing to himself. “Fight these thoughts,” sings Malone as if “these thoughts” are universal and not his own. “Don’t be gay,” Malone repeats, not to his webcam from 1994 but to his sad, repressed soul.

DAVID GUETTA ENDS RACISM

This is arguably the most iconic virtual music moment of all time. David Guetta “ending racism” became a symbol of online tunnel-visioned reactionism. What I love about this clip is imagining the discussion beforehand. The purity of the aims are endearing - Guetta’s team wanted to show support. I imagine the team who made this happen thought this would be a powerful moment. I don’t imagine they, for one second, really thought about the execution and its shelf life on an internet run by comment sections.

KFC DJ

We live in an age where apps can track your facial expression while you’re engaging with their content and then interpret that data to serve you content you’ll enjoy more next time. Meanwhile, over in the analogue world, marketing experts still haven’t figured out how real human beings engage with the world around them.

Case in point: the time KFC’s Colonel Sanders “DJ’d” Ultra Music Festival in Miami. Watch this video and try and convince me that this stunt wasn’t preceded by a 30-person, suited-up international conference call with thunderous pats on the back and applause.

Notice the crowd is barely moving a muscle as the Colonel asks if they’re “hungry for some beats” and drops chicken sfx into what sounds like YouTube outro music? It’s because people don’t go to music festivals to watch ads. And this guy probably isn’t even the only artist on the lineup wearing a costume like this which takes away 90% of the novelty factor. If this was an 8-year-old’s birthday party, however… this would go off.

God Is Dead, a live show about the worst things on the internet based on the hit comedy podcast of the same name, will tour from September 2. Details and tickets here.