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Bob Brown Forced Out Of Greens By Hipsters

SPA Confidential: Breaking the stories that no-one else will or cares to.
Apr 13th 2012 | SPA Confidential
SPA Confindential finds the hidden agenda behind Bob Brown's resignation.

In what came as a shock to many, Greens leader Bob Brown resigned from both the party and the Australian Senate today. Leaving under the guise of wanting to take up "fresh pursuits", SPA Confidential can reveal the truth was far more sinister.

It is believed that Brown's departure has come as a group of rebellious hipsters are attempting to stage a coup that will hand control of the party to them.

It started when Brown was instructed by his advisors to film a music video in response to Bob Katter's The Boys Are Back In Town. It was to be a medley of Who Let The Dogs Out and Teenage Dirtbag filmed at the Blacktown ice rink with a Noel Fiedling look-alike gyrating against Brown.

It became increasingly obvious to the growing group of 25-year-old hipsters that, in their eyes, Brown was entering his dottage years and unable to connect with the kids of today.

A memo regarding the uniform codes - forced through by this still-faceless group - state that skinny pants, high waist shorts, and beanie halves should be worn at all times was baulked at by Brown.

Leaked private memos between Brown and his staff paint a picture of an incredulous man. "What the fuck is a beanie half?" one questioned. "It doesn't even keep your fucking head warm." It was followed by another memo which read, "Why doesn't this bike have any fucking gears?"

Feeling that their key demographic was slipping away, the faceless hipster rebels have been flexing their influence over policy as well.

They wanted drivers licenses to be abolished, pseudoephedrine to be reinstated into cold and flu tablets, bow ties to officially replace regular ties, and to have menthol cigarettes packaged in brown paper bags, sold together with long-neck bottles of cider.

Brown was believed to be opposed to all of these reforms, saying in another leaked memo as recently as yesterday, "This is a fucking joke, right? These kids are kidding themselves. Fuck, I even preferred emo to these clowns."

When he investigated why half of the Greens' funding was going a experimental-silence-rock rock band named Ironic Tulip, the coup leaders moved to have him ousted today.

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