Five Terrible Gift Ideas For Mother's Day

4 May 2014 | 2:02 pm | Mitch Knox

How to say "I don't really love you" for less than $30

With Mother's Day looming around the corner, it might be time to start considering just what to get for the lady who birthed you and/or raised you, if you haven't already (and if you have, stop making the rest of us look bad).

We all love our mums (generally speaking), but buying presents for them can be a total migraine.  

Mums are not like dads, who have long accepted their equivalent day as being unofficial New Socks Day. Mums, like all women, are complex, varied people, with broad interests and deep intellects and the kind of scarily awesome emotional resilience that can only come from millennia of being misunderstood and mistreated by their bigger, stupider other halves – the ones who are happy with getting socks as presents.

The headache of gift-giving is made especially so since we generally don't start forming any real perception of our mothers as actual human beings (rather than super-powered god-emperors, without whom everyday existence would simply cease to function) until we're well into our teens, by which time it is far too late to really attempt to understand the nuances of what makes our life-givers tick.

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Other than crazy-dangerous multitasking.

 But, thankfully, these days we have the internet, and if it's not going to be helpful in terms of finding a gift to make your mother weep tears of joy and irrevocably proclaim you her favourite child right in your siblings' stupid faces, at least you can be sure it'll be a pretty good guide when it comes to making sure what not to get…

5. This depressing T-shirt

Pic: Etsy

Look, I'm not saying that you shouldn't show appreciation for your mother. Of course you should. Tell her you love her, call her for no reason, or remind her of that time she totally helped you out by coming to pick you up when you tried to run away from home as a child and got as far as the end of the street before you got lost and laid down to die. Anything that says "I recognise what you do for me and couldn't hope to repay you even if I were billionaire genius Bill Gates."

Anything but buying this T-shirt. You are helping precisely nobody by handing over money for this. Even your mum will probably think it's a little creepy and overly dependent, because you are very probably an adult. 

And if, like our budding model up there, you are not an adult, that means your parents would have to buy it for you for it to be given as a gift. Think about how insecure you would have to be as a parent to force your child to stand up in front of the whole world with "FUTURE THERAPY GOLDMINE" essentially emblazoned on their chest.

Besides, it pays to be distrustful of "Best (x) ever" shirts and mugs and the like, because the very idea that six million different mothers could all get a little Oscars-style statue that says "MUM OF THE YEAR" kind of cheapens the sentiment, no?

4.This Vaguely Sexual Sign 

Pic: Etsy

The creator of this sign evidently does not grasp the idea that there are many different forms of love, because on the one hand, this starts off sounding as if its words are being spoken longingly by some bright-eyed 16-year-old at the arse end of some drug-fuelled summer surf trip as she stares wistfully into the sunset thinking about the one(s) that got away, but on the other hand, it ends on kind of a maternally/familially sweet note, maybe?

The primarily disturbing thing about this gift is its choice of words: "to steal one's heart" has historically been associated with romantic contexts; it is "to fall in love completely", or "be smitten with", or to feel like eloping to Paris, none of which are things I generally associate with my mother.

I mean, I love my mum, but I'm not in love with my mum, you know? And neither are you with yours, I hope, so just... steer away from this.

3. This Deceptively Impersonal Mug

Pic: Etsy

This gift's uselessness is a little more subtle than the previous entries', especially because, as a mug, it has a base functionality regardless of what stupid shit you scrawl on it in Sharpie.

No, the sheer pointlessness of this gift lies not in what it is - although, really? As if your mother doesn't already have like 53 different mugs - but in the ineptitude of its sentiment.

At first glance, it's like, "aw, sweet, Mum could have a handwritten note on her mug from me that lets her know I love her whenever she wants, thus ensuring my rightful title as Alpha Offspring," until you remember that a) that's not your handwriting, b) a text message would have the exact same effect, and c) a handwritten note that you literally just leave on your parents' kitchen table the next time you visit would probably bring your mother more lasting joy than a plain white mug you could easily buy for $3 at Woolworths defaced with someone else's heartfelt note.

2. This Mildly Insulting Print

Pic: Etsy

Let's be real here. Mothers are not like buttons. Mothers are like superglue. Mothers are bricks and mortar and tar and Selley's Liquid Cement and whatever Spider-Man's webbing is made of combined.

What have buttons ever given us? Shit, zippers do a better job of holding things together than buttons. People routinely tear buttons right the hell off whatever they're wearing without even trying. In fact, sometimes - especially among the superhero set - it seems like buttons are the fastener of choice precisely because of how unbelievably weak and stupid they are.

But hey, if you want to blow all of $7.50 on some art print that grossly undersells your mother and has pretty much no practical purpose except to provide her with something in her house to actively hate, then be my guest.

1. This Open Admission Of Being A Total Psychopath

Pic: Etsy

Well, this is simply terrifying. I can think of few scenarios where a son would want to give this to his mother, and none of them are good. 

Scenario #1: He gives her the plaque and then he beats her to death with it;

Scenario #2: He gives her the plaque and then she beats him to death with it;

Scneario #3: He gives her the plaque, she loves it, they embrace, and then she beats him to death with it.

Basically they all end the same way, so you might not want to risk this one, because there is no way any Mother's Day in which this plaque plays a notable part is going to end without a whole lot of screaming and someone getting offed in the shower.