EXCLUSIVE: We Take A Look Inside 'The Simpsons' World

When late last year the QLD State Government extended a branch of the Ipswich Line to the comparatively nascent western Brisbane berg of Springfield, it inadvertently meant that about a third of the rail journeys that I would catch in the future to and from my inner-city suburb of Taringa would involve catching the Springfield Line. This seemingly random happenstance made me a very happy man – almost certainly far happier than most professionals would agree is healthy – but the genesis of this rather strange reaction can be traced back decades, way back to a time when the phrase “Everything's coming up Milhouse” had yet to be either penned or uttered, as hard as that is to imagine.

A genuine "steamed ham"

My obsession with all things The Simpsons started far earlier than it had any right to, long before the show began on free-to-air and the Simpson family and their yellow Springfield counterparts became a ubiquitous part of Australia's popular culture (long story but true), but – unlike when bands I love become co-opted by the mainstream – this mass acceptance didn't diminish my desire for the brand; if anything it exacerbated it.

I'd vaguely clocked late last year the existence of a new zone at Orlando's Universal Studios modelled on The Simpsons and its myriad inhabitants, so when it transpired that my wonderful girlfriend and I were to be embarking on an adventure from Jacksonville, Florida this February it didn't take much online research or discussion to decide almost by osmosis that while in the vicinity – it's a three-and-a-half hour train ride in theory, over five in practice – we would be diverting our travels to check out this most magnetic of attractions.

A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!

By dint of a typically wayward childhood, theme parks have long been a part of my frame of existence – albeit one which had taken a backseat over time (more for cost/benefit financial reasons than any inevitable onset of maturity). Nonetheless it's a feeling of complete giddiness that overtakes me as we pay the (expectedly) extortionate admission price (eschewing the “express pass” add-on they're spruiking given that due to the time of the year the park is virtually empty), peruse the map and make our way towards the far reaches of the park containing the Simpsons-related ephemera. From a distance the distinctive pastels that so dominate the show's colourful animation start to become clear and we're both giggling like schoolkids, paying little or no attention to anything else as we make a beeline towards our dreams. The 'Greetings From Springfield USA' sign featuring Blinky the three-eyed fish marks the demarcation line, and immediately we both become the snap-happy idiots that we've never before been (and always kinda secretly deride), running around taking photos of ourselves next to anything even vaguely related to this surreal world that had until now never existed in our actual dimension. Lard Lad Donut boy? Check. Krusty Burger? Check. Chief Wiggum? Double check (he's long been one of my fave inhabitants; I even registered Wiggum Management as a business back when I was “managing” bands – an admittedly disturbing move on multiple levels). Duff Brewery-related bar? Check. Duffman? Check. Kwik-E-Mart? Check. Milhouse sitting outside the Kwik-E-Mart? Check. Comic Book Guy's The Android's Dungeon? Check. The list goes on and on, and I don't think I've seen myself grinning so inanely in a non-chemically enhanced context ever.

We pay for photos of ourselves on the Simpsons' couch that are then altered (presumably by magic) so that we're featuring in four of our very own 'couch gags' that signify the beginning of each episode. Awesome. And then our sights turn to the Krustyland attraction that so dominates the precinct's landscape, and (although we don't know it yet) walk towards our most manifest of destinies, an event that will live on in our memories forever.

Where everybody knows your name...

We can tell how lucky we are to be visiting today rather than a peak time by the hundreds of metres of empty queuing lines that we rush through to get to the ride's actual entrance, not even slowing to check out the numerous screens showing Simmos animation that liberally dot the landscape. In the upstairs waiting area – as with elsewhere in the zone – it's the little things that make the experience amazing; we're now ostensibly inside Krustyland (Springfield's fictional theme park) itself and there are screened animations of Hans Moleman manning the info booth, Groundskeeper Willie doing a rap while manning a concession stand, Patty and Selma manning the Lost and Found and Apu flogging dodgy stuff (as always). Once ushered through a door in groups of eight into a smaller capsule we're shown more animated videos to set up the narrative, which is that the Simpson family are themselves on holiday and visiting Krustyland – unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint) the nefarious Sideshow Bob is also present and as always hellbent on inflicting pain and suffering on our heroes. He knocks out Krusty and activates a plan to kill the Simpsons by destroying the very rollercoaster we're about to embark on! Grandpa Simpson's heart hadn't allowed him to take the ride so he's left to look after Maggie, who quickly disappears into the radioactive room that they'd been forbidden to enter and starts growing out of all proportion.

Soon it's time for us to embark on the ride itself, still with no idea what we're getting ourselves into. We endure a requisitely gruesome (yet informative) Itchy & Scratchy safety video, and then take our positions in the two-row, eight-seat carriage. The Squeaky-voiced teen continues the narrative, Bob again spews evil and then… it's on. The painted ride doors in front of us are soon showed to be a red herring as the carriage moves straight upwards and suddenly we're in the midst of an animated motion simulator rollercoaster, the track of which is being demolished as we trail the Simpson family throughout Krustyland and a litany of mayhem and destruction wrought by their inimitable foe. It's a mixture of pure delight and extreme adrenaline and almost impossible to articulate how fucking amazing this ride is – it's like an actual rollercoaster except unfettered by trivialities such as physics and reality, and far from being the typical ride with Simpsons characters popping up sporadically that I'd envisaged it's more akin to being totally immersed in the Simpsons universe. There's awesome dialogue throughout from a multitude of characters – you pick up new lines every time you revisit the magical experience – and it's completely action-packed, our derailed carriage taking us on a manic and wildfire romp through many of the different Krustyland attractions (including Captain Dinosaur's Pirate Rip Off, Happy Little Elves in Panda Land and Krusty's Wet and Smoky Stunt Show) and then into the depths of hell, before being rescued by Professor Frink in some futuristic flying contraption and the whole shebang culminating in a frantic night-time flight through Springfield itself which ends (at one point) in the Simpsons lounge room having replicated the couch gag. The plot plays out wonderfully (spoiler alert; giant Maggie saves the day and Bob is foiled once more), there's splashes of water, smells sprayed, jokes aplenty – I'm 95% sure that despite laughing throughout I managed to drool the whole time as well, and I don't care one jot. I'm not suggesting that this ride is the pinnacle of human endeavour to date, but if some rationalist floated the idea I would probably defend it staunchly down the pub (irrespective of company – that's how serious I am).

Paying Apu Nahasapeemapetilon a visit

As alluded to we're fortunate enough due to the time of year to be able to repeat the experience numerous times with the minimum of fuss, and it's equally exhilarating every single time. This ride itself singlehandedly legitimises the expense of making this detour to Orlando – an unmitigated pleasure that may never be equalled.

There are, however, many other fine times to be had in the precinct. Inside Moe's Tavern I order a round of Duffs and then inadvertently sit at the far left of the bar near the phone and get prank-called by Bart (“Hi yourself, I'm after Mia, last name Normusbutt” – I'm laughing too hard to yell out the request a la Moe but recover to abuse the (recorded) caller), after which we play the Love Tester, get our photo with Barney and savour the realistic ambience. Then it's onto Krusty Burger where I finally get to live out my dreams by uttering the immortal line, “Two Krusty Burgers please!” and then discover that they're actually as disgusting in real life as they're portrayed in the show (the “cheese” is a yellow sauce, origins indeterminable, and the “meat pattie” may well have contained insects). Other culinary options include the Ribwich (one of the videos showing in the eating area is the one where they highlight the Ribwich's artery-destroying capabilities – truth in consumerism at last!) and The Clogger. You can also order food from stall versions of The Frying Dutchman, Luigi's, Cleetus' Chicken Shack and even the napkins are themed and the show's theme music loops in the restrooms (Greatest. Pee. Ever). No detail is too small to ensure fun times are had by all, it's an absolute pleasure from go to woah.

Resist temptation to steal the donut....

Some other observations I make during our stay:

- I'm slightly sad that the gift shop has no Bort licence plates – a golden opportunity missed.

- The statue of Jebediah Springfield doesn't have the plaque with the town's motto.

- The Flaming Moes on sale look amazing but contain neither alcohol nor cough syrup.

- You can't get a Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum-Based Beverage with your burger (although there are shakes there from memory).

- It's been decades since I've heard Do The Bartman played loudly and proudly in public, but never while sitting opposite Bumble Bee Man's Taco Truck.

There are obviously heaps of other attractions at Universal Studios and we sample nearly all of them – too much fun – but today's visit will always be remembered by our experience amidst the fine folk and follies of Springfield, USA. If only this were the Springfield at the end of my train line…

Time to get drunk and rant about the Lizard Queen!