The Queen's Big Day Out

2 June 2012 | 5:10 pm | Daniel Crichton Rouse

We take a look at the naff-as-fuck Queen's Diamond Jubilee Concert bill and suggest a few acts of our own.

It's the Queen's Diamond Jubilee this week and Britain's getting into the spirit (whether they want to or not) with a bunch of celebrations. One of particular note is the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Concert happening on Monday, and we've taken a look at its line-up.

The acts that make complete sense are Cliff Richard and Paul McCartney. After all, Cliff Richard's band The Shadows were at their peak when Elizabeth was in her 20s, which is when she became Queen, so you'd expect that she'd be a fan of that band – association and all that.

And, well, The Beatles are The Beatles.

Other than that, it's highly unlikely that the Queen has given a shit about popular music ever since.

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Full list of performers (and where they come from):

Annie Lennox (Scotland)
Stevie Wonder (America. Random – although he is Stevie Fucking Wonder)
Madness (England)
Cliff Richard (British India)
Shirley Bassey (Wales)
Elton John (England)
Paul McCartney (England)
Tom Jones (Wales)
Jessie J (England)
Ed Sheeran (England)
JLS (band originated in London)

Poor Northern Ireland. Maybe after Van Morrison declined, they couldn't name another Northern Irish musician (we can't).

It's a fairly safe – read boring – list of musicians. Compare this to the London Olympics' Closing Night concert, dubbed “Best of British”, which includes Blur, New Order, and The Specials. Sure it's a lot 'cooler' than the Queen's concert and they're obviously aiming for a completely different market but still, old Lizzie could've gone a lot better in a bid to gain interest from the disillusioned yoof.

In which case we suggest the following:

The Stone Roses (England)
Having recently reformed, I Wanna Be Adored would go down a treat at Buckingham Palace.

Noel Gallagher (England)
With such a collection of songs to chose from Gallagher could go the wise route and pull out an old Oasis classic, or choose something newer like Stop The Clocks, which also hints at his past.

Belle & Sebastian (Scotland)
We're pretty sure that Belle & Sebastian fans, who all sit around knitting and drinking tea, would feel right at home at a Jubilee concert.

The Jesus & Mary Chain (Scotland)
On the list because they're Scottish more than anything, but they're a hell of a lot better than Snow Patrol, which'd go here if you were playing it safe(r).

Adele (England)
Guaranteed to make the Jubilee Concert album a best-seller.

The Libertines (England)
C'mon, they made the Royal Guard uniform sexy, so it's obligatory. Pete Doherty's appearance optional.

Magnetic Man & Katy B (England)
For the kids. Skream, Benga, and Artwork – plus Katy B – representing the Croydon massive.

High Contrast (Wales)
Electronic act with a defining "UK" sound who conveniently hails from Wales. Drum'n'bass is a surefire way to get a party started.

Plan B (England)
The voice of a generation of British kids. It's a bit daft to leave him out of such an event.

And following suit from the official concert and adding an American to the line-up, we'd add Lady Gaga, who's already met the Queen so yeah, bonus.

What do you think? Here's a playlist for both Rdio and Spotify...

Written by Daniel Crichton-Rouse