Live Review: The Beards, Vaudeville Smash, The Stiffys

Testosterone levels rise high at The Hi-Fi when The Stiffys walk on stage, both dressed like The Stig heading into space.

Never think you need a lead guitar or keys to make a decent band; The Stiffys soon prove you can pump out cheeky cock rock with only bass and drums. Champagne is as classy as it gets, dirtied only by some very amusing bass/groin dance moves by lead singer/bassist Jason Leigh. Call And Response Song showcase The Stiffys’ highly complex poetic lyricism with lines such as, “Wanking, wanking, wanking, everybody!” Leigh leads a highly impressive rock out on Erection! Everybody! then offers a public service announcement for the ladies to “hold it together” and NOT rush the stage during I’m Really Good At Sex Because I’m Always Doing It. Unsurprisingly, female punters stay firmly rooted to their spots.

Vaudeville Smash seem a motley bunch of musos offering jazz/funk/pop numbers with manic flair. Lead singer Marc Lucchesi bounces between flute, sax and tambourine solos while lead guitarist Martin Lubran earnestly busts out complex riffs. Zinedine Zidane (ft Les Murray) does not in fact feature SBS’s ‘Mr. Football’ Les Murray in person this evening, but the viral YouTube hit goes down well with punters nonetheless.

“Beard, Beard, Beard!” chants a chorus of deep voices in the crowd. Emotions run high as The Beards begin a raucous night of fervent facial-hair worship.

Front row comrades clutch fists with lead guitarist Facey McStubblington in solidarity during Beard Revolution, while lead singer Johann Beardraven tells punters, “We’ll be taking shit up another level tonight! We have pyrotechnics!” (Roadie comes out to let off single party popper.) “Costume changes!” (Shirts and pants are taken off.) Stroking My Beard reminds all the beer-bellied dudes in the crowd that there’s no need to have a job, it’s okay to be a lazy slob because you’ve got a beard! Wearing a long, white Dumbledore-style fake beard, random punter Cassie is honoured with a certificate for having the Best Female Beard of the night, which cues All The Bearded Ladies featuring Beardraven on a keytar seemingly carved out of some manly wood. Calling for the ladies to satisfy their primal urges for stroking a beard, love anthem You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man sends punters, male and female, into a final dancefloor frenzy – all for the absolute love of beards.