No One Cares About Your Band

11 April 2014 | 4:10 pm | SPA Confidential

A new survey has revealed that no one gives a shit about your band.

The results of a new, extensive study by a number of Australian music and arts bodies have been leaked to SPA Confidential today, concluding once and for all that no one cares about your band.

Operating under the guise of Silence Them For Us (STFU), the organisation features some of the most important and influential working bodies in the creative arts. An extensive range of music media, record stores, live music venues, managers and artists themselves were involved in the poll, that saw your music being put under the ultimate spotlight.

 “Your songs are shit, you have no stage presence, that banner you got made up is not only ugly but it smells like burnt tyres and the only reason anyone shows up at your gigs is because they hate themselves and they want to get drunk,” a summary of the results says.

“Out of those surveyed, 86 percent of people thoughts your CD was awful,” the results report. “More concerning than that statistic is that only 17 percent of people listened to it – that's how little people care.”

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The survey mainly targeted those in the music industry, but also made sure it focused on family, partners and close friends of those involved in bands around the country.

“We're all for people making music, creating art and 'making the world a better place' through music – though we don't know how that works – but we think it's important that bands begin to realise that no one cares,” a PFLSM representative told SPA Confidential this afternoon.

“It's natural for bands to be very excited about the fruits of their creative toil,” she continued. “But that doesn't mean we should have to pretend to listen to that shit.

“What has been concluded is that, unless you're Lynyrd Skynyrd, no one would really care if you just vanished right now.”

The results come as a new radio station launches into the Australian market in the coming weeks. The as-yet-unnamed station promises to play little more than music construed as filler. 

“The music is just there to stop the voices in our head telling us that we're horrible people and that we lead miserable, meaningless lives,” station manager Gareth Harding says.

“The entire music library is being sourced from service stations around the country as we speak. We'll probably lead off with a Slim Dusty album track and then just see what happens.”

The results of a similar study into music blogs are expected early next week.