Man Beaten Up Over Scalping ‘Mistaken Identity’

A 32-year-old Sydney man was brutally beaten last night after live music fans accused him of scalping a large number of tickets to an upcoming concert.

Daniel Illberry is still visibly shaken after spending the night in hospital and is lucky to be alive after his attackers came at him with chivs made from out of date iPhones. “All I wanted to do was to go to the Coldplay tribute show,” Illberry told SPA Confidential, “but it's all turned out so bad.

It all started when Illberry was buying a ticket for the band – named Paratunes – online. When he clicked the 'purchase' button however, the browser timed out. This happened time and time again until Illberry gave up – only to realise the next day that he'd bought every ticket of the venue's 250 people capacity.

“I was shocked,” he said. “I didn't realise I was buying so many tickets, I don't even have that many friends.”

And then the abuse started.

“With the best of intentions, I posted online that I had too many tickets and needed to get rid of some – but no one would listen to me. They called my names like 'scalping bastard', 'scalping dickhead', 'scalping son-of-a-bitch' and 'fatty'.”

Soon enough Reddit found out Illberry's identity – and where he was from. When Illberry was out buying an emergency batch of toilet bleach a two members of the internet mob spotted him at the convenience store and called some mates. They grabbed their vicious phones and jumped him once he left the store.

“I didn't know what hit me – it's a case of mistaken identity, I'm not a scalper!”

Things have gone from bad to worse for Illberry this week. Not only will he be in hospital all weekend, forcing him to miss the show, but he didn't realise that 50 of the tickets he bought accidentally were $1,000 'VIP' packages, which include access to a roped-off seating area, a glass of sparking wine upon entry, a 30-second foot rub from Brenda and a complimentary copy of Steam Trains In The Region From 1956-57 magazine.

Unable to shift the VIP tickets, Illberry has maxed out his credit card and the bank are looking to foreclose on his inner-west two-storey terrace.