Australia To Embrace "Dumb Blonde" Image

20 April 2012 | 4:19 pm | SPA Confidential

"Australia: We're Blonder Than You Think"

In what is being touted as the marketing move of the year, Australia is preparing to centre its entire tourism and marketing strategies around the "dumb blonde" look that classical record label Melba's managing director Maria Vandamme branded it today.

Quiet talks by men in suits in small rooms around the country indicate that Australia is looking to run with the tagline, particularly in the contemporary music sector which appears to have been alluded to as the 'hole in the ground' that classical music needed to save it from.

It will likely start with images of cleavage and budgie smugglers being added to a new $8.99 bill note. It is believed the $8.99 value directly coincides with the price of a popular brand of peroxide-blonde hair dye.

A senior policy official declined to comment to SPA Confidential today but voice messages we acquired through phone-hacking revealed that he has taken suggestions from music stakeholders that all songs written in Australia should be legally constrained to a verse-chorus-verse-chorus-verse structure.

Don't miss a beat with our FREE daily newsletter

Going through his garbage we discovered draft slogans written on the back of a supermarket receipt. The favourite, which was circled: 'Australia: We're Blonder Than You Think!'

It is now expected that instead of direct federal funding for music at the next budget, the government will opt to subsidise plastic surgery for male and female musicians around the country.

Thomas Brabham, lead singer for Sydney-based indie-trance outfit Sunki$ed, told SPA Confidential today that he would welcome the policy overhaul.

"I think there's too much emphasis on funding for music substance," he said. "Our band really needs me to have blonde hair and bigger thigh muscles. Finally the government is going to help us achieve those dreams."

A classical music spokesman, who would not be named, told us to fuck off.