The TV Set: The Top Five Shows We Should Not Be Watching

On a recent Monday evening, a premiere episode of Game Of Thrones was watched by 68,000 Australians as it screened exclusively on Showcase. A second screening of the episode drew another 65,000 viewers. Two other hit US cable shows Veep and Mad Men didn't even make that night's top 20 shows on Foxtel. On Thursday night, over 900,000 people tuned into a repeat of Big Bang Theory.

It's no wonder Big Bang Theory also screens about sixteen times a week on Foxtel (on Comedy Channel, counting +2 airings) as well as propping up Nine's digital channel Go!. Okay, so a subscription cost is a handicap but even so, that's a big 800,000 difference. And we only have ourselves to blame because we keep watching this shit (over and over). At this rate, Big Bang Theory could win the election in September. So as a community we must take stock and ask ourselves "why?". Here's a handy guide to the televisual eye-murder we love to consume in Oz, in the hope that others will join me in switching off and giving the honorable Starks of Westero a chance to rule our nation.

1. THE VOICE (9)

Ratings: Off its tits. One of the recent 'Blind Audition' eps rated over two million (according to five-city metro figures). The first non-audition ep also managed just under the 2mill figure last week. And although its influence on record sale figures are less apparent so far this year, former Leonardo Bride's singer Abby Dobson saw her failed audition propel her '96 hit Only When I'm Sleeping back into the iTunes top twenty last week.

The Good: Blind Auditions and great marketing. Something about shouting "TURN THE FUCK AROUND"  to the back of the red chairs on your flat screen is cathartic. And, those looks on Joel Madden's face when he turns around to see some of the people attached to 'the voices' he's spun around for - those pasted on smiles are Silver Logie-worthy.

Most impressive though is witnessing Nine enter the social media-marketing age. This network previously had two heavily-promo'd shows die at the hands of online backlashers. Nine retaliated by faxing Ben Elton and Ossie Ostrich news of their axings.

But Nine have learnt to embrace pitchfork and torch mobs who rally Facebook and Twitter every time an audience favourite is passed over by the judges. Nine now turn the dissent into trending chatter and click-bait fodder for entertainment news sites. But don't despair, Daryl Somers surely has his pager strapped to his slacks in case Nine have a change of heart.

The Bad: Now the 'Blind Auditions' are over who really cares? Who can even remember any of the 255 contestants that made it through to the TAFE mentoring classes. Did that guy from Trial Kennedy make it through?

The Seriously Ugly: Delta. Ricky Martin's 'Blind Auditions' outfit. Delta's chair-dancing. Joel Madden's 'trying not to look disappointed' smile. Delta still being in the red chair and Keith Urban not. Looking at Seal and feeling sad that his ex-wife is  involved in a much better show yet he was the one with the talent. Delta.

Alternative viewing choices: Nicki Minaj on American Idol. Heidi Klum on Project Runway (or its non-Heidi-fronted All Stars spin-off which starts May 9 on Fox8).

2. MRS BROWN'S BOYS (7)

Ratings: Last week, according to the overnight ratings results, this UK sit-com was the sixth most-watched show in Australia on Thursday. Once the time-shifted viewing figures are added in, it shoots over the magic million mark and ranks in the night's top three shows. In its slot it trounced Nine's tired Footy Show and one of Ten's Law & Order franchises (the one that sounds like it's about sports utility vehicles). It even managed higher figures than its lead in show Border Security (such an odd pair ing of shows, yet somehow so fitting). Note though, Border Security only just scraped ahead of ABC1's new Chaser-led consumer affairs show The Checkout in its slot - have we actually chosen the informative over the xenophobic.

The Good: It shares a director with the superbly funny and smart(arsey), but mostly-unwatched in Australia, The Armstrong & Miller Show.

The Bad: It shares a producer with the similarly moronic Two Pints Of Lager and failed puppet comedy Mongrels. They've barely been seen here and so it should have been with Mrs Brown.

The Seriously Ugly: Something about this show's 'old-fashioned' approach to comedy brings back repressed memories of those best-forgotten Brit-coms of the '70s, Mind Your Language and It Ain't Half Hot Mum. We should just be thankful that Nine didn't buy Mrs Brown otherwise it would be strip-programmed into the 7pm slot - and with only 21 episodes made so far, they'd be broadcasting each episode 12 times a year  - not including weekend encore performances and as schedule-filler for axed celebrity weight loss shows. That'd just be too feckin' annoying.

Alternative viewing choices: If you want to see how British slapstick is done in the new millennium just watch Miranda (ABC1 and UKTV). As Miranda's mum would say, "such fun."

3. THE PROJECT (10)

Ratings: Last week it was wavering around the half-a-million mark but managed to land in the top twenty Tuesday through Friday. It's up against ACA, Today Tonight and The Voice. But it is also getting beaten by Home And Away, Big Bang Theory reruns and Top Gear (can't tell if they are reruns or not...).

The Good: It's not ACA or Today Tonight.

The Bad: It once seemed to be attempting to put the 'current affairs' back into commercial network current affairs programming. But slowly it's become a cockeyed mutation of The View/The Circle, The Panel, Sunrise, E News and conversations heard at baby showers and fiftieth birthday barbecues.

The Seriously Ugly: The John Lydon incident. They were played by a PR expert and the presenters' reaction to it came off like an episode of Grumpy Old Men/Women tsk-tsking viewers about 'manners these days!'.

Alternative viewing choices: You can always try ABC1's 7pm News or SBS1's World News Australia - neither Juanita Phillips nor Anton Enus would ever be flustered by an aging punk.

4. REVENGE (7)

Ratings: Helping Seven to healthy Monday nights considering how The Voice has ripped its MKR ratings a new one earlier in the evening. It was one of five shows for Seven in last Monday's top ten. The US soap is top in its timeslot, with poor old Can Of Worms, directly up against it on Ten, not even making the night's top 20.

The Good: The more people watching this means the less people watching Gyton Grantley piss away a promising acting career in House Husbands (it's okay, Gyton, some of us are holding on to the memory of that scene on the trampoline in Underbelly when we all thought you'd be the next Hollywood breakout before those pesky Hemsworths started breeding lead men).

The Bad: Creator Mike Kelley may have his past producer and writer credits for The OC at the top of his CV but on the last page in 4.5 font size you can see the names Providence, Swingtown and One Tree Hill. The real OC talent is making fun sci-fi for CW (that'd be McG and Supernatural). Revenge is Chad Michael Murray-vanilla with nary a hint  of Summer and Seth's sassy strawberry swirling dialogue.

The Seriously Ugly: That marketing it as an ironic 'guilty pleasure' worked. The whole operatic melodrama TV serial was spectacularly realised last year in Ringer  - it was a guiltless, albeit unwatched, pleasure.  But while Ringer paid homage to classic Bette Davis' films, the work of (US) John Waters and the suspense of Alfred Hitchcock, Revenge dialogue is so flat its writers would most likely need to look the word 'homage' up on dictionary.com. 

Alternative viewing choices: You want soap? Try it with style in Mad Men, with gore and nudity in Game Of Thrones and with Australian accents in Wentworth (starts May 1 on SoHo).

5. THE BIG BANG THEORY (9)

Ratings: Last Wednesday night this US sit-com was the number seven, number ten and number eleven most-watched show in Australia. All reruns. And that was with it up against MKR. Over at Ten, its Modern Family reruns (in the same timeslot) did so badly that it seems to have worn away its use as a lead-in to big ticket Shaun Micallef dramedy Mr & Mrs Murder (Micallef's other show Mad As Hell, over on ABC1, was also slaying Modern Family, finishing up at 14 while MF and The Murders missed the top 20).

The Good: The hour and a half it filled, was an hour and a half that Two And A Half Men wasn't on.

The Bad: Guys, nerds are running the world now. It's only the Ogre* laughing at them now (*obligatory Revenge Of The Nerds reference).

The Seriously Ugly: What's with Johnny Galecki's voice? Is that weedy whine his idea of a nerd accent? Was he afraid that without it we wouldn't be able to differentiate his BBT character Leonard from the cocky swaggering character he played on Entourage? Oh hang on, he was playing himself in that.

Geeky Trivia: Galecki got his big break on Roseanne in the '90s. You know who else got their break working on Roseanne? Nerdy writer Joss Whedon. You know, the world's highest grossing film director in 2012.

Alternative viewing choices: Considering it's on more often than Danoz Direct, there aren't a lot of alternatives... except maybe Danoz Direct.